Subverting The Dominant Paradigm Since 1988

angrybonsai @ 2008-04-15T01:11:00

2008-04-15T08:00:10Z

" 'When mixed-bloods, a be ta we si a ki, begin misinterpreting history and forget they are visitors,' say the Six Grandfather's Journals, 'they are an indelible part of genocide itself.'
...
Our history on occasion has had the eminence to wear a shiny coat of black feathers and soft white plumes, having absolutely no need for historians who don't even know or dare to ask their mothers the names of their fathers. "
- Ray A. Young Bear, Remnants of the First Earth (1996)

in the course of using this digital journal to chronicle the development and sundry crises in my life, i realize i have neglected to incorporate (or at least acknowledge) a much more grand narrative of context that circumscribes my day to day life in every discernable way. it is of identity, this conflict of being american indian, but also white

i am reading books by sherman alexie and ray a young bear. as you might infer from the above quote, young bear's philosophy is much more straightforward, much more confrontational than alexie's... whose stories seem to pander to the romantic delusions about american indians held by american society at large

young bear's confidence has awoken in me a skepticism that has heretofore been buried by the banality of day to day life: papers to write, deadlines, taxes, alarm clocks, midterms. this skepticism has above all things shaken my confidence in atheism, science, historiography, theory, the theory of theory and the history of "evidence"

are not all of these arguments bound by an occidental lexicon? it is challenging for me because the english language is my first language. how can i permit myself to speak in the tongue of a people who have visited a cultural genocide upon my ancestors? yes, i could quickly dismiss crimes of blood on grounds that warring tribes have committed similar violence upon each other, and these crimes are comparable to the horrors visited upon indians by the french, english, spanish et al.

but the colonialism of europeans is a new kind of malefaction that transcends time and place. colonialism is a fantastic weapon that permits the descendants of its perpetrators to wash their hands of responsibility, while the descendants of its victims still suffer. that obliteration of culture, history and language i still feel today, its absence is a phantom limb: the cause of the spiritual wandering and wasting pessimism of a people in this age.

but i am also white, so whom do i hold responsible? there is an easy answer, one that seems remotely plausible, but its ugliness makes it seem absurd: if european colonialism was a "rape" of a people, what if i am a bastard child that had the misfortune of being concieved in the act?

i feel the metaphor is far too simplistic to be practical, but this is the language i know and this is the closest i can come to describing the feeling. it alludes the emotional and culture essence of who i am.

yes, i come from a privilaged position in society: i grew up with electricity, food, running water, an education, a male, a skin color that passes as white. i am in college. you can say i live comfortably

but what i am saying is i also feel uncomfortable, because i feel i am walking upon the rotting corpses of my ancestors

and there are those who are comfortable: they are not obliged to acknowledge that horrifying carrion terrain beneath them. they are not filled with the same horror as i am, because they do not percieve this mountain of bodies as i do. because i know that those are my dead relatives, those are ashes and bones that belonged to my family, whose history, religion and language i can never fully understand because it has been taken away, and can not be given back

this is what it means to say i am a mixed-blood who mis-interprets history, to be part of the genocide

angrybonsai @ 2008-03-31T23:38:00

2008-04-01T04:38:23Z

sometimes you get a song stuck in your head, lately its a movie scene playing endlessly in my mind

2008-03-31T03:59:44Z

Anton: What's the most you ever lost on a coin toss.
Proprietor: Sir?
Anton: The most. You ever lost. On a coin toss.
Proprietor: I don't know. I couldn't say.
[Anton flips a quarter from the change on the counter and covers it with his hand]
Anton: Call it.
Proprietor: Call it?
Anton: Yes.
Proprietor: For what?
Anton: Just call it.
Proprietor: Well, we need to know what we're calling it for here.
Anton: You need to call it. I can't call it for you. It wouldn't be fair.
Proprietor: I didn't put nothin' up.
Anton: Yes, you did. You've been putting it up your whole life you just didn't know it. You know what date is on this coin?
Proprietor: No.
Anton: 1958. It's been traveling twenty-two years to get here. And now it's here. And it's either heads or tails. And you have to say. Call it.
Proprietor: Look, I need to know what I stand to win.
Anton: Everything.
Proprietor: How's that?
Anton: You stand to win everything. Call it.
Proprietor: Alright. Heads then.
[Anton lifts his hand, revealing George Washington's profile]
Anton: Well done.
[the gas station proprietor nervously takes the quarter with the small pile of change he's apparently won while Anton heads for the door]
Anton: Don't put it in your pocket, sir. Don't put it in your pocket. It's your lucky quarter.
Proprietor: Where do you want me to put it?
Anton: Anywhere not in your pocket. Where it'll get mixed in with the others and become just a coin. Which it is.

angrybonsai @ 2008-03-19T01:57:00

2008-03-19T07:14:08Z

its good to have cigarettes friends and mild nights by the lake

an unremarkable landscape accompanies most of my drives around the city: dirty melting snow a few trees strips of retail potholes and people waiting for buses

as the engine's temperature rises the heat from the air system actually starts getting warm, i shift into drive, reverse, drive, then south on lake drive for awhile and im on 94, a familiar milwaukee skyline shrinks in my rearview mirror

its a terribly mediocre sight when i step out of my car, the white doors of my car look yellow under the streetlight and strips of brown rust are eating slowly through that

i dont know why i pay attention to these things

maybe it is because they are easy to pay attention to
, these things not people

not that i dont like people

i do

but its less complicated than that i just

im fine on my own

im fine on my own

im glad its spring

2008-03-14T05:51:33Z

angrybonsai @ 2008-03-08T19:50:00

2008-03-09T01:54:09Z

ive got soul

in my bones

got a home, a dog and a man to call my own

every month i've got my period to take care of and to collect in blue tampons

na na na

na na na

ive got mace, pepper-spray and some shoes that runs faster than a rapist rapes

what i need is chemical castrations, hope and godspeed

na na na

na na na

what i need is chemical castrations, hope and godspeed

angrybonsai @ 2008-02-14T23:47:00

2008-02-15T05:59:16Z

melting snow

protracted confrontational conversations with homeless strangers

slush

buses turning corners

flashing lights

people shouting and people walking

stumbling drunk and high

lights ringing slush flashing and homeless snow turning buses

im reeling smoking spitting and stepping to my dorm

my mind is buzzing and a thick layer of ice underfoot

this is madison

this is state street in madison

this is state street in madison at midnight in february, 2008

angrybonsai @ 2008-02-03T06:56:00

2008-02-03T13:10:46Z

and and and i i i see see see out out out my my my window

and the clouds are shot grey with the winter's work, the sun rising imperceptibly behind them

there are people out there like me i know i know i know they are there they write like me they write and think like a do a little and we are not insane maybe just paranoid and maybe maybe just schizophrenic a little a little a little disfused from society maybe a a a a a they they are there are thare there thate arthe earthe hearthearetharetherehear here hear thear there

and it gets worse as it get by myself and its get get get worse when when when i my my my especially when when when when

uninterrupted save for some some some i just just just dont dont dont see see see how anyone (i) can behave or think like a normal person (a coherent person, a normal person, a decent person, a dependable person, a person) i mean why would you anyway that seems very boring to me its much more enjoyable to be close to fear, schizophrenia, paranoia, alienation and loneliness

it it it i i i dont dont dont just what might little am did is (not) are (there_ ) place cant (reach) for when (space) you it seem she in to by for (two by four) four four

"______________"

angrybonsai @ 2008-01-29T00:34:00

2008-01-29T06:48:46Z

okay

okay so things are warm now and disjunct

dont ask me why they just are, maybe its the dirt, maybe its the heat, a baby on the bus smiled at me so easy

from one moment to the next and its windy and the lake out my window is north and if winter is december, january and february spring march april may summer june july august does that make september october november fall?

if it does im not so sure ive always associated november with winter but in grade school i guess there were all these colors i also associated with thanksgiving like brown and orange and yellow and thanksgiving is always towards the end of november i guess i never put the two together but for me november for november and i the word reminds me of snow and seeing my breath in the air

okay

okay maybe they are not warm right now but it is mild in madison and it is also january which is a strange thing but its not always strange i mean winter has to loosen its grip as we bear into february what a strange way to spell a word february

and what does "wisconsin winter" mean anyway sometimes it is snow and sometimes rain and ice with the ground all muddy and grey and roots exposing themselves to the air and what, what does it mean anything special when i say

"wisconsin sky" because it is very large and broken occasionally by trees still hanging onto their dead leaves and a few stars maybe the dim glow of the capitol building or the glimmer of the city gainst the lake michigan shore with its garbage and rot washing up on shore to join the birds in some strange quest for a place

everything is dirty and wet and round midnight (sometimes) when it snows really hard it gets so quiet you can barely hear a car fishtailing across a partially controlled intersection

so quiet

angrybonsai @ 2008-01-23T22:55:00

2008-01-24T05:28:39Z

winter just hit hard and

(an owl hoot
)

its windy a little (owl hoot three more times, the last one in an unexpected part of the song, a bit off beat) actually windy a lot but its wisconsin you know and we're in the heart of winter (january)

(hey man whats your problem
dont you know that i dont belong to you
its hard and hard enough
to keep it up when everything is so new)

the moon is out and a little sliver is blackish and the stars are out and my hair is growing longer and i dont really like the way it looks right now i think its a little too long in the back but smoke hangs in the air and drifts slowly upwards no wind tonight tonight at least there isnt any wind otherwise it would be impossibly cold in addition to the black of course

(im not trying to forget you
i just like to be alone
come and give me the space i need
and you may and you may
and you may and (there are odd little buzzes and noises in the morning in this dorm, i set my alarm at five minutes before the hour to beat everyone else who have set their alarms to ring on the hour) you may and you may
find that were alright
im not trying to forget you
i just like to be my own (my own)
come and give me the space i need and you may and you may and you may and you may and you may find that were alright )

the ground is covered with snow and it is freezing, i see my reflection in the windows of many different windows and in my reflection i see myself hunched against the wind, and others bury their faces in their jackets and god all the girls here dress the same its a fucking uniform north face, tights/sweatpants, uggs

i mean no offense to you but grow up, cant you just grow up?
when are you going to give it your own go, give it your own go?
i know im being way too hard but i know that im trying

(a guitar begins strumming out of rhythm, but the rhythm shifts almost imperceptibly to match it, eventually and there is a sudden catharsis, a sense that this is actually happening and was supposed to happen for a very long time)

and i wonder everyday how exactly i am going to get things done and survive in general i mean i know i know i want to teach but theres always a what and when and how and when but things are looking in order for now so i will worry about it later for now ill just take notes and pass exams

(a man groaning

children's shouts)

i know myself and i know what i want to do
im doing my best and i want to know is it good for you?
you give me trouble you give me everything that youve got
ill show you that whats right for you me aint for you

(dont look out for me)(a baby crying, noah lennox crying)

today (this morning i mean wednesday, january twenty-third two thousand eight (the second day of classes)) in modern american literature the professor (always gesturing towards his slides with a container of starbucks coffee in the other hand) began with a video of bob dylan subterranean homesick blues i thought it was interesting and a few poems by e e cummings i think he (e e cummings) would have found that interesting (would have found bob dylan interesting, as well as using his song/video in a college lecture class) i know i found it interesting

i i i know know know my my my self self self and and and i i i know know know what what what i i i want want want to to to do do do
im im im do do doing my my my best best best and and and
i i i want want want to to to know know know is is is it it it good good good for for for you you you?
you you you give give give me me me trou-trou-trouble-ble-ble you you you give give give me me me
every(ev-ev-ry-ry-ry)thing thing thing that(atat) you(ou ou)ve ve ve got got got
ill ill ill show show show you you you that that that whatswhatswhats rightrightright for for for youyouyou meme me aintaint aint for for for
you you you

who are you to tell me how when youve problems of your own
i do love you and i want to hold on to you for always (fireworks thunder and then

i mean i walk down state street and i wonder how these people reconcile themselves with reality its such an intimidating thing for me sometimes like i will not know what to say or do when it is cold out and they are talking about something i am very unfamiliar withand i guess i feel/look stupid sometimes standing there but its the best i can do sometimes sometimes

looking around being aware of things as they are and maybe how they will be, maybe how they wont be today and tomorrow, yesterday and tonight, just things and how they look sitting around my desk and out the window and repeating that question to myself all the time how can people reconcile themselves with reality with other people how can i reconcile myself with reality

how can how will how do i reconcile myself with other people

how could i possibly with anything

how could i possibly, actually come face to face with reality, with other people, with myself, with self, with

angrybonsai @ 2007-11-20T22:02:00

2007-11-21T04:13:08Z

"take a look
just one more time
beautiful smile
beautiful eyes
thats a red skinned girl yah way ah
shes so pretty shes so fine
red skinned girl ill love you all the time
heyah hey, heyah hey oh"

(i'm listening to northern cree and damn they know how to sing, they just fucking nail the round dance songs

anyhow i am in milwaukee again
the weather is hazy and ive a mood to match

)

angrybonsai @ 2007-11-08T23:51:00

2007-11-09T06:01:38Z

</a>

november 08th 2007 this picture was taken today("yesterday"(november 7th, 2007))) and it has been what two three months into college or something (i think two) and it is going well i am making friends that picture was taken in front of this place near my dorm called steenbock library it is a nice place

anyhow(anyway) i have started capoeira again and it is kicking my ass

i thought working on the ship was hard on my feet but now i have more callouses and dead skin than i thought could possibly hang onto my i feet i dont mind much i have comfortable boots (kenneth cole reaction) my roomate is not a neat freak which is great but sometimes his shit finds its way over to my side of the room but whatever it happens

anway(how) i am busy on weekends with powwows and capoeira but these are good things to be doing what like id rather (or should) be doing homework or writing a paper or studying for a midterm there are some things that are-- i have my priorities i guess

and the weather is getting cold again and i am looking forward to becoming distant and emotionally withdrawn not that im depressed or sad but that im reflective meditative and introspective around this time of year

i cant view my friends page so that is why im writing today (november 8th 2007) im sick of dorm food already and am buying my

own groceries im out of cigarettes but dont want any more for awhile as much as i like them i want to convince myself im not addicted so here i go limiting myself from once-twice a day to none for awhile (maybe a week) but none today november 8th 2007

angrybonsai @ 2007-09-08T14:03:00

2007-09-08T19:05:14Z

angrybonsai @ 2007-09-02T22:18:00

2007-09-03T03:40:43Z

i empty my pockets and find a lighter, bits of tarred seine twine, cigarette butts, folded dollar bills (still damp), and nothing else really

i look at my hands and their skin has grown somewhat brown and calloused, i look at the moon (shining like a nickel catching glinting the sun that was tossed into the sky where it remains motionless), mars, jupiter and ursa major and ursa minor, draco, the summer triangle, what few constellations i know at all.

the sky is laced with thin diamond cirrus and the strip of land to the west broken by three or four lights of unidentifiable nature. we are on a starboard tack, the main, mizzen and fore sheeted generously; giving us a quiet run with the wind at our back

and on and through and around death's door i feel the planks of the deck on my bare feet, through the dead layers of skin still peeling, and a poem still turns in my head

still it turns again and again even though we have come back to dock and the moon is cut with a definitive arcing umbra of the the earth, and my time on the ship has come to an end

i must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
and all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
and the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
and a grey mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.

angrybonsai @ 2007-08-13T22:59:00

2007-08-14T04:02:23Z

angrybonsai @ 2007-08-07T21:04:00

2007-08-08T02:05:31Z

angrybonsai @ 2007-08-02T22:50:00

2007-08-03T03:56:25Z

angrybonsai @ 2007-07-20T21:08:00

2007-07-21T02:13:59Z

angrybonsai @ 2007-07-15T19:45:00

2007-07-16T00:46:36Z

self portrait with new camera, july 2007

angrybonsai @ 2007-07-12T02:25:00

2007-07-12T07:26:26Z

self portrait, june 2007

angrybonsai @ 2007-07-07T20:16:00

2007-07-08T01:16:38Z

holy shit i love i love i love the new animal collective album

angrybonsai @ 2007-07-02T23:07:00

2007-07-03T04:26:02Z

so me and this guy ryan (who is no longer working on the boat) started this tradition of making really, really bad jokes, mostly puns. here are some choice ones from the past month: (mad respect if you get any/all of them)

someone had asked if seconds on dinner were "fair" yet. i responded, "yeah, you've got a fairlead on seconds"

(by the way, these jokes are usually followed up with a high five)

"i like the cut of your jib", i said to the 2nd mate, gesturing to the inner jib sail.

"don't go overboard with those jokes"

"what did the pirate dog say to his owner? ARRRRRRf!"

"don't worry about ryan, for him those jokes are PARRRRRR for the course"

"Hey sawyARRRR!" my crewmate amy will say to me, i usually respond with, "Hey ARRRRRRmy" (we put the ARRRR in any word where there's an er, ar, or, etc. the greatest pirate jokes are the ones where you slip in an ARRR where it doesn't already exist)

we've had one captain with the last name crunch, and another whose first name is kirk. think about it.

"Ay-ay, I eye the eye."

"So Jordan, Chad and I ran in a race. But Tai won by russian to the finnish, Den Mark said, "O man", i said, "Nor way!" Chad said, Ye man." Then i said, "Yeah... Yoouzbeckistan." We were hungary, so we went looking for a bolivia chile and a cuba turkey on a plate of china. We were turned down and i said, "Come on, you can tell by the greece that this turkey is real! I need it, ja makin me crazy here! Dominican Republic."

We never actually did this, but there was a dead bird on top of the anchor chain behind the windlass, and ryan and i considered telling children jack sparrow was on board with us, then point out the dead, rotting bird and forever spoil their childhood or something.

"Loose the squares!" and a bunch of nerds would come crawling up from the galley.

"We're all in the same boat."

"We keep a pretty tight ship here"

"Headrig and the angry winch"

angrybonsai @ 2007-07-01T00:22:00

2007-07-01T05:38:06Z

working on the sullivan has given my hands blisters, scabs, cuts, calluses and aching bones. i have lost weight and my skin has tanned, the hairs on my arms have bleached in the sun.

i have a knife and a bunk. 12 hour days, if not more. my hands and knees have rusted from hauling anchor chain and i have begun losing weight.

but i couldn't ask for a better job, could i? i'm not complaining, i love it. the crew is great, but they come and go very quickly. there's also no tall ships union, so through some goddamn maritime loophole the pay sucks, the days are long, there's no insurance, etc etc. i'm fine doing it as a student but you could not make a living of it.

my camera is broken, time to get a new one. nikon d80, i'm thinking. it's much better than a sony cybershot 4.1 megapixel dsc-p7 whatever the fuck i had. i'm going to heave it ceremonially into lake michigan from underneath the hoan bridge. it will make a nice home for many many algae.

the power went out randomly. i stood up and pulled out my knife instinctively, treaded lightly to my room and closed the door. grabbed a katana my step-brother left behind. fight or flight, what the hell. better safe than sorry right?

maybe i am crazy.

if so, fuck.

angrybonsai @ 2007-06-17T02:24:00

2007-06-17T07:29:37Z

sometimes i make indie rock jokes that no one gets

the other day i went to see architecture in helsinki with my friend james levine. during the show i said to him, "i hope they play debbie down. i have my fingers crossed."

another day, i was helping wash the decks of the denis sullivan (i work there now) and my friend ryan had the hose and he said, "Hey, you want to kill the water on the other end of the hose here?" and i said, "yeah, maybe i'll kill the moonlight while i'm at it."

no one got those jokes...

angrybonsai @ 2007-05-21T14:14:00

2007-05-21T19:27:07Z

the second Arcade Fire show was much better, i thought. the whole band seemed to be having much more fun. they played wake up! that was the opening song! everybody stood up, clapped their hands and sung along,

in here:

</a>

it seemed like some kind of revivalist church type of thing. people bouncing up and down, eyes closed, singing to the ceiling. this isn't my video, but take a look anyway: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXh6pw0FfJ8

all along the stage they had these projector things set up that had various changing images during the songs. sometimes it was the neon bible art, sometimes it was the mounted camera filming regine playing drums or richard screaming into the megaphone. When they played my body is a cage, they set up a cardboard cut-out of Win with a blank face on stage, then projected video being taken of his face onto the blank of the cut-out. i thought it was clever.

also, the arcade fire is probably the hottest band ever. sara, owen, tim, jeremey, richard, win, regine, the guys on horns and the second violinist? they're all fucking gorgeous, seriously. i dont know, broken social scene comes pretty close. sorry, no pictures or video, i didn't have my camera.